Wait

My Heart

Little Heart

Pity

Taste

Blind

How will I ever see past him?

After seeing his flaws, why does his image only grow, blocking out the view of all other men?

It's sad really, because it's very likely he doesn't see me that way, yet my heart is not fettered. My heart dreams away, fading my vision, dimming all other men to a dull grey. He is in technicolor, so bright and vivid and blinding.

My mind should know better. I'm not a silly teenager anymore. My faith and trust have been battered and broken, so how can I accept my heart's dreams? Why does my mind not stomp out those naive hopes, and make my heart listen to reason? Why does it not remind me he ignores me, doesn't have time for me and doesn't see me that way? 

Why can't my mind clear my vision, to let anyone else in?

With all of my intelligence, my heart still steers the ship. And even if it doesn't make any sense, even if all signs point to forever friend zoned, there's still that part of my heart that believes in John Hughes' happy endings. An ending where I was the one all along...

Such a pitifully stupid heart I have...to believe such nonsense. But it does, beyond all reason, and so I may forever remain blinded by his technicolor, past which all that's left is grey.

Hope in Darkness

Deep inside, where no light reflects, but can only be produced from within,

Deep inside, beyond the pain, beyond what angers, beyond the betrayal, deep within its chambers, 

Deep inside, something shimmers, something quivers, something longing to get out. 

Deep inside, feel its heat. Let it spread, let it fill the cracks, mend the breaks and sooth the aches. 

Deep inside, is such a small light, but its powers are immense. 

Deep inside It glimmers and pain begins to lessen.

Deep inside it glows, making pride grow.

Deep inside it shines and loss is put to rest.

Deep inside, beneath the pieces, beneath the struggle, a faint light is urging the thrum to continue, 

Deep inside it is insisting the mangled form to beat, even when all you can see is darkness.

Deep inside, is why you will make it, 

Deep inside, this I know for sure, because...

Deep inside a broken heart lies a bit of hope. 

JYM

Burn

Heat, searing beneath the skin, aching and burning alone with no fire.

You be flint and I'll be rock. Let's make a spark, build a fire and burn together...forever

JYM

Survivng Divorce

After nearly 2 years the judgment was signed about two weeks ago. It's official. I'm single.

The last year was hard, so many mixed feelings and anger. There is still plenty of anger but I never expected sadness when finally holding that decree in my hand, telling me it was done. 10 years, 10 months of marriage and 3 years of dating all undone with a simple signature and stamp.

I cried that day. I didn't know why. After all the disappointment I knew I did not want my ex-husband back in my life, my home, or my heart. So why was I sad?

I realized, that I, like my son, was mourning my little family that I had taken such pride and comfort in. My son snuggling between us saying he wanted hugs too! Family dinners. Family vacations. Struggling to make ends meet, but struggling together.

I'm now holding only two of the three pieces of my broken home. There are chips, so they don't always fit like they used to, causing new cracks. I pull out the glue and so carefully piece us together, only to have them ripped apart whenever the glue dries.

But I'm fighting, and I'm surviving! I'll always miss my little family but I'm loving my new smaller one.

I wonder if a third piece will ever fit together with us, but I love my new little family, with all its cracks and malformations; I do not need that piece so I will accept nothing but the perfect fit and am content if I never find it.

Unknown

Fear of crossing lines, so the boundaries are stretched to capacity. Staying in place is safe and full of smiles. Across that line is the unknown. There's no going back once that line is breached. Maybe you could lose everything or maybe you could get everything you've ever wanted or needed...

But it's not your choice to make. So, you'll just stay safe and smile.

Fear

Fear of losing those smiles, those moments I can cause a blush

Fear of my lack of self control

Fear of saying the wrong thing

Fear I'll never be able to say everything I long to say

Fear that this hope inside me will crush me one day. 

But none of these fears are as great as the fear of losing this feeling...and the dream. 

Losing that would be a tragedy.

JYM

Falling For the Ice

Walking through the doors and feeling that burst of chill that passes through me like a loved one's ghost. It envelopes me, and somehow warms me in a way that science cannot explain.

The comfort moves beyond the loving chill hugging me. A symphony of sound echoes off the walls, settling in my soul.
Blades cutting ice, crashing of pucks, shots swishing, slipping and crushing, the jolt and tyranny of angry pucks colliding with the boards and glass, coaches encouraging little hearts to follow their dreams is a music I can't find anywhere else. So many don't understand the rink is a comfort all on it's own.

And my son taking the ice, forgetting all worry...well that...that is simply Nirvana.

JYM

Move Out!

Stop consuming my mind! It's unfair that I only take up the smallest corner of your mind for brief moments, while you unpack your things and move into every room of mine.
And that corner I occasionally reside in is most likely hidden away, in a basement or attic, far from the public. A dark secret...even you won't admit to.
So move out!! Go!! Leave my mind alone, because I can't keep thinking about you, when you think so little of me.
Your bread crumbs are not enough...And yet I still chirp away, begging for them, devouring every bit as though they were four course meals.
Someday I'll give up. Someday when I'm strong enough, I'll move you into the attic.

I wonder what part of your mind I'll reside in then.

I Want More

I Want More

I'll never have enough of you.

You can't-

Tell enough stories.

Laugh enough.

Smile enough.

I want every story, every laugh, every smile.

I'm taking everyone you give me, maybe even some that are not meant for me.

They're mine now,

and I'm not even sorry that,

I want more. 

You Can't

Look in my eyes and say that you don't want to be my friend.
Hold my hand and tell me you don't miss me.
Wrap your arms around me and tell me you're not aching.
Kiss my lips and tell me you don't see me that way.

But you won't,
Because you can't...

Just keep your eyes averted and your back turned, so you don't slip and repeat past mistakes.
And leave me here freezing, until you need my support, because you know I'll be here, always waiting...with open arms and a yearning heart.

JYM