Les Miserables - On My Own

All time favorite! I sound better in this vid but well I did it on a whim so I'm not cuted up. Hahah

But this is what single mom's do. The lyrics I mean. Because even if we find someone, they have to fit so many prerequisites, we have to be willing to spend time away from our children AND they have to want to be a part of the madness!!!

So this is the all the beautiful single moms who only can dream for now...

Survivng Divorce

After nearly 2 years the judgment was signed about two weeks ago. It's official. I'm single.

The last year was hard, so many mixed feelings and anger. There is still plenty of anger but I never expected sadness when finally holding that decree in my hand, telling me it was done. 10 years, 10 months of marriage and 3 years of dating all undone with a simple signature and stamp.

I cried that day. I didn't know why. After all the disappointment I knew I did not want my ex-husband back in my life, my home, or my heart. So why was I sad?

I realized, that I, like my son, was mourning my little family that I had taken such pride and comfort in. My son snuggling between us saying he wanted hugs too! Family dinners. Family vacations. Struggling to make ends meet, but struggling together.

I'm now holding only two of the three pieces of my broken home. There are chips, so they don't always fit like they used to, causing new cracks. I pull out the glue and so carefully piece us together, only to have them ripped apart whenever the glue dries.

But I'm fighting, and I'm surviving! I'll always miss my little family but I'm loving my new smaller one.

I wonder if a third piece will ever fit together with us, but I love my new little family, with all its cracks and malformations; I do not need that piece so I will accept nothing but the perfect fit and am content if I never find it.

Falling For the Ice

Walking through the doors and feeling that burst of chill that passes through me like a loved one's ghost. It envelopes me, and somehow warms me in a way that science cannot explain.

The comfort moves beyond the loving chill hugging me. A symphony of sound echoes off the walls, settling in my soul.
Blades cutting ice, crashing of pucks, shots swishing, slipping and crushing, the jolt and tyranny of angry pucks colliding with the boards and glass, coaches encouraging little hearts to follow their dreams is a music I can't find anywhere else. So many don't understand the rink is a comfort all on it's own.

And my son taking the ice, forgetting all worry...well that...that is simply Nirvana.

JYM

I Want More

I Want More

I'll never have enough of you.

You can't-

Tell enough stories.

Laugh enough.

Smile enough.

I want every story, every laugh, every smile.

I'm taking everyone you give me, maybe even some that are not meant for me.

They're mine now,

and I'm not even sorry that,

I want more. 

Just breathe

Don't cry my baby, Mama is always here. No space could come between my love for you. 

Don't cry my baby, you are safe. Your angels look after you and they cannot be overcome by greed. Don't cry my baby, you'll be with Mama soon. Don't cry my baby have fun and don't fear the moon. 

Sleep my baby, Mother Mary is with you. Sleep my baby my heart is with you too. 

Good night my baby. God bless you my baby. And sweet sweet dreams my baby. 

My heart is missing a piece. It was taken to Boston

When the beating of your heart flows blood from you to another being, a child that grows within you how can you feel whole when that blood is in another state? 

Not my life

This is not my life. I had one. A real one. One that I wondered what I had done to be so lucky. I had found him. The one. The one they write about in books and when I found him, he loved me more than I loved him.

And the scary thing is, I think he liked it better that way. When I started to love him more, he ran away. He couldn't take it.

And even scarier, I think I like it better too. I liked being treated like something precious, and like he didn't deserve me.

Doubly ironic, he never did.

He wasn't traditionally good looking. Long greasy hair, chewed up upper lip and swollen gums. Heavy set with giant brown eyes.

Everyone said, you can do better  which I never got because why, if that were true, had I only gotten attention from dorks all through high school? But I digress.

When I talked to him, he challenged me. He challenged me! I didn't realize how much I hadn't been challenged by all the pretty faces I had fallen for. I was too busy looking at them and dreaming about kissing them, to realize they had nothing to say.

But he couldn't be toyed with. He couldn't be dismissed. He was my equal, and at the time, I thought possibly my superior intellectually.

And he was a tortured soul and I gave him some sort of peace. He needed me and I LOVED being needed and wanted.

The more we talked the more attractive he became. It wasn't long before I had fallen. I loved his strong body. Hulking broad shoulders, solid and soft. He was statuesque and beautiful inside and out.

How could I have known there was a cancer attacking his personality, growing stronger every year until it would consume the soul that belonged to mine?

We were so happy. We never had money and it was hard, but it didn't matter. We never wanted much, and we were happy just being together.

And then we were blessed with a boy. The perfect child. Gorgeous, smart, athletic, sensitive, caring, and yes very neurotic but plain is boring. Our little family. I was so proud of us! I thought he was too.

Stress never shattered that happiness I had laying in bed at night, with my little family together. That was comfort of the heavenly kind.

That comfort is gone now. It was destroyed by a woman on the other side of the country. Words like divorce and visitation and support were not supposed to tarnish this life. This is not my life. It's ugly and I just want to scream.

He's gone and the man he is now, he would have found repulsive. I don't want him back. And now that my little bit of heaven has been shattered, I don't know if I'll ever have that comfort again. How can I trust when I trusted before with such certainty?

And yet I hope...Every part of me believes in true love. But now I wonder if I was wrong or if true love isn't as eternal as I believed. Was it not true, or can true love be corrupted by a woman with a big toothed grin and an offer of an escape from yourself?

I'm trying to forgive, to forgive him, and me and us but now that he is leaving the state and taking my son's comfort with him, I don't think I can ever forgive him.

It's disgusting and unbelievable that he could leave our son. So disgusting, in my heart, I can no longer give him credit for being his father. He is my son now.

So this is not my life...now...

my son is my life.