Christmas Lights

Twinkling lights flicker with my heart. 

Happiness, blink, 

longing, blink. 

Twinkle, twinkle, flicker...

It's just a day, but it feels like more and so much less.

I miss his little voice asking so many questions. His excitement. His awe and unconditional love. I miss his sweet little cheek against mine. I miss his breaths, the ones I've counted for so many years, to be sure they weren't too many nor too few; I can't hear them from so far away.

Family, friends, love, shiny packages all still here to fill the days, but my heart has felt absent without him here.

He'll be home soon. And we'll be together again. But until then -

Twinkle twinkle flicker flicker goes my heart.

JYM

See

You can see me but I can't see you.

It's not fair.

But hiding seems beneath me.

Maybe I want you to see,

even if you don't let me.

But...

I don't want to write because all my words are about you. It's becoming embarrassing...this was not supposed to happen. I'm strong. I don't need a man. I don't need you.

But I can't stop wanting...not just to be with you. I want to make you smile. I want to know how you are, if you had a good day...If you found her.

But, I'm not allowed in more than momentarily. Sometimes, you open a window and tell me everything!

But, you always promptly shut it and draw the blinds. It's not just that I dream of your lips or your eyes or your strong hands and big heart.

But, I do dream of them. It's that I can't stop caring and worrying about you, even if I'm not often on your radar. I want to write something meaningful, something other than this pathetic angst! I try and I can't! 

But, I will. 

JYM

No Boundries

I long for your arms to be wrapped around me, my head on your shoulder and no more space between us. 

No more rules. No more caution. No more uncertainty. No nervous blushes.

Just us. Just holding each other. No longer afraid. Not acknowledging what might happen. Just feeling each other's warmth, for as long as we both want.

Is that really such a scary thing? 

Yes, I guess it is. 

Little Crush

Don't look at me with those sweet brown eyes, filled with sadness and expect me not to want you just a little. A taste so small is all I'd ever dare take. I can imagine just how delicious that small bite would be, but I'd never keep you. You're not yet done baking. 

So don't speak to me with such wisdom, about things so close to my heart and expect me not to blush.

With how sweet and caring you are, how can I avoid this little crush? 

I don't think you really mind. So thank you for this pleasant yearning, it is so sweet and manageable. I'm so grateful for this painlessly warm connection that I hope will not change or break...

but know those brown eyes make me want to cross lines; I hope you will avert them, never letting me make such a tempting mistake.

JYM

Bridge

Standing on a bridge, feeling it shake beneath me. Wanting to run to safety, but afraid the land I reach was already crumbling long ago. 

Afraid of the shaking.

Afraid of the crumbling. 

Can't move forward.

Can't stand still.

"Move feet, move!!!"

My knees buckle at the thought of taking one step.

Frozen. Afraid. Suspended so high, feeling gravity pulling me. The world is trying to swallow me, so why won't my legs move?

I take a step, and the bridge swings. Another step. Why does the bridge seem to grow longer?

One foot after another, I trudge forward. Yet, I freeze every few steps. 

The bridge stretches out before me, seemingly on until infinity.

Feeling like this, it's really hard not to wonder how I will ever reach solid ground. 

But on I walk...one step at a time.

JYM

Chase Your Dreams

I'm still chasing my happy ending with every intention of catching it. 

Letting Go and Moving Forward

She wanted my life and she took it! He was so willing to go!!

Let it go.

He betrayed me!

Let it go.

He lied!!!

Let it go.

I follow all the rules,while he breaks every single one and still gets everything he wants!!

Let it go.

He feels and acts entitled to information whenever he pleases while he sits back responsibility free playing video games all day!

Let it go.

My son hurts and feels rejected! I try and try to give my son stability! All he does is decimate his self esteem, making him feel unwanted! Making him feel he only has a playmate and not a mentor!

Let it go.

He sees my son's agonizing disappointment as normal!

Let it go.

I do everything for my son!

Let it go.

I wake my grouchy son in the morning and struggle to get him off to school...

Move forward.

I put my thoughts down. I schedule. I chauffeur. I apply. I plan. I launder. I fold. I grocery shop. I bank. I dream...

Move forward.

I pick my son up from school. He climbs in the car, full of energy, smelling of dirt and little boy. Sometimes he's happy, sometimes he's down but he always shares his day with me. I hear and note his friends' names. I give advice. I smile at his silliness. I laugh at his jokes. I help him with his homework. I argue with him. I struggle and get tired out. 

Move forward.

I cart him to his appointments, practices and games. I help him with his gear as he laughs and starts to light up at the thought of taking the ice. I struggle to contain him while he gets into his gear. I feel like I'm dressing a monkey, ha ha! I smile and sigh when his blades hit the ice.

Move forward.

My heart is light watching him skate. My son is truly happy for an hour. 

Move forward.

I struggle to get his gear off him. He drags his feet. He takes forever...and I know why. He feels safe and happy at the rink. He forgets his family is broken. He forgets his dad moved away. He feels at peace. It's hard for me to leave too.

Move forward.

I drive my son home. Sometimes he gets a call. I try not to listen. My peace is broken. My son's mood darkens. My mood drops with my sons. Sometimes my son hangs up, feeling angry. 

Move forward.

I get him home and try to comfort him. I try to defuse his imminent temper tantrum aimed at me, because I'm here. I'm someone tangible to be angry with.

Move forward.

I make dinner never knowing if I will get the happy, silly, angry or sad  version of my son. I get all three. I'm exhausted, but proud I got a home cooked meal in him today. I do the dishes, hoping I'll get him in bed at a reasonable hour. 

Move forward.

I corral him for special playtime. We play Legos and toy cars. I somehow manage to coerce him to bathe. I make sure he brushes his teeth and takes his medicine. I argue with him until he manages to win. I allow him to watch one more YouTube episode of Stampylongnose.

Move forward.

My son's eyes slip closed and he drifts off to sleep. I look at his baby face and feel guilty I can't help him heal faster. But I know just how blessed I am to have him near, hearing him breathe and close enough to pet his hair.

Move forward.

I kiss his forehead and carry him to bed. He's getting so heavy but I cherish the fact that I can still hold him in my arms like a toddler, knowing these moments are numbered. He'll be 9 then 10 then I'll blink and he'll be graduating high school. I still wonder how anyone could so easily give up these numbered moments. Moments my son is still a little boy...but I'm learning not to care...I'm the lucky one. 

Because...

He hurt me with neglect, cruel words and violent outbursts. He broke things! He yelled and cried and threatened! He threw away everything good he had. He left the gifts that god had blessed him with, like we were old furniture. And I'm finally glad. She wanted my life. She thinks she took it! 

But, he left the best parts of him behind. 

I may backslide. It's the nature of this ugly destruction of family called divorce.

But for now...

I'm letting go and moving forward.

JYM

Case Closed

No more court rooms,

No more files!

No more forms,

And no more trials!

HOPEFULLY!!! 

Covers

Kinda been letting my OCD get the better of me this week. But I'm not letting myself feel ashamed this time. I hope this will remind others to let themselves off the hook too.

Duct tape

Just me trying to be clever. Yeah I know it's not clever to accidentally make duct tape one word, but I'm embracing my imperfections. Why must we always be perfect? Or maybe I was too lazy to make a new one...the world will never know. :)

Asleep on My Shoulder

This is a moment you can't get get back, if you miss it. When your son falls asleep next to you, with his head on your shoulder, it's a moment you don't rush to end even though you need to put him to bed if you are ever going to get a good nights sleep. It's a little thing but really it's the biggest. It's a thing you can't do by phone. And it's something you can't fit into a short visit, because it's just one of many small things. Little things that happen everyday that no photo or story will ever bring back to you, these are the rewards of being a parent. And such little things are more precious than any other thing in this world.

So I guess that's why I don't understand. I just really can't comprehend someone...choosing to miss them...

Sketching Life

I was literally sketching a face from memory...possibly of my crush. Yes I literally have the heart of a fifteen year old! Or maybe it's just my coping mechanism, to dream about someone I can't have. But I digress! I was looking at the rough scratches I had laid down and the words below just floated through my head.

When you're over a certain age, it's hard not to feel like major life changes start you back at the beginning. But really, all the choices we make, are sketches. We may have to erase some people, add others, find the color that makes our lives beautiful, but the outline will always be a part of us. Someday, we will see the whole picture...

Age 13 - Throwback Thursday Writing

This little story made  me laugh reading it again. It was originally "published" in the Stephen R. Fitz Intermediate 93-94 Anthology (very impressive I know). I still love adjectives, and tend toward the dramatic, but luckily I've toned it down since 8th grade. For your reading pleasure...

1994 Age 13

 

A Stranger at the Door

            It was dark outside, pitch black, when I walked into the dimmed family room of my small, three bedroom, middle-class home. I sat my eleven-year=old body on my father’s black leather recliner and hit the play button on the remoter control projecting Look Who’s Talking on the average sized T.V. As I sat there in splendor watching my favorite motion picture, I had no idea of the terrible fear that would soon be filling my female body.

            Just as Mikey was being born into the world, or shall I say movie world, I heard a light scratching sound coming from the key hole of my large, ebony, front door. I shot a glance toward the door. The scratching stopped. I jumped out of the recliner onto the gray carpet, tip toed over to the door, and stared through one of the glass panes of the window that was set next to the door. All I could see was the thick blackness of the night. I blew a puff of air out relieving my fear in the process. I sat back down and resumed watching the movie.

            Then I heard the scratching sound again, except it was slower and more distinct now. I slowly turned my head settling my eyes on the window. I saw a shadowy figure through the window next to the door and it was definitely a person! For a few seconds I was frozen by the fear that was rushing through my body. I looked toward my eldest sister, Mimi, who had been in a deep slumber on the black leather love seat located by the door.

            I jumped out of the recliner again, but this time I ran over to the love seat where Mimi was sleeping. I gazed at the door again where the lock had begun to turn.

            What am I going to do? I thought to myself in terror.

            “Mimi,” I exclaimed in a whisper. She didn’t respond. So I shook her twice as tears started streaming down my face. I looked at the door again. It was completely unlocked.

            “Mimi,” I cried again, my cheeks now drenched with tears.

            Her eyes popped open, a horrified look was on them from the shock of suddenly being awakened by a frantic child. I shot a daggering finger toward the door where the knob was halfway turned. She was still confused and unaware of what was going on. Then a head popped through the large door!

            "Jeff," I cried out in relief to find that it was my brother-in-law. "You scared me half to death!"

            "Sorry. I didn't want to wake anybody up," he said in a nonchalant voice, like it was no big deal.

            Mimi's head dropped back against her pillow resuming her slumber that had only been halfway broken in the first place. Still trembling from shock, I decided to turn in for the night, thinking that the fear would be forever gone.

            When the same fear shot through my body the next time I heard a door being unlocked, I knew the memory would be attached to me for the rest of my life. So far it has been. I always wonder if I had gone to check the window again and had seen that it was only Jeff, would I still remember that night today. But, I guess since nobody has invented a way to rewind time, I'll never know.

JYM

 

Dat Bass

I love these lyrics about being body confidant. I'll never be a skinny girl no matter how fit I may become, and I've learned to be okay with that.

I'm all bass, no treble here.

But I'm all about everyone being body confidant. So if you're treble, you take the high notes and I take the low ;)

Feelings

By the Pound

Leave it Behind

Write 'til it hurts

Cry, shake, ache, want be...

Be who you are.

Love yourself through your 

self loathing.

Don't die inside, 

by letting the zombies of the world, eat at your pride.

You are valuable.

No dollar can define you,

no lover can mangle you, 

and the lack of either, 

shall not drown you.

Sleep like a sloth,

think in a mess...

Then

Get up, "head up...get to the other side," (A Friend).

Keep safe,

and leave self hate,

behind!

Throwback Thursday Writing

I wrote this in April of  1997 at Age 16

Alone...Alone

I know a place in the woods,

that cries and aches from the surrounding trees.

No one is there to care...but me,

I am the only one there.

All alone in the dark, beneath the collapsing trees.

I shall stay alone in the forest, beneath the enormous trees...

Hoping that someday someone will decide to join me.

JYM

Friendship

It will always be enough...to feel otherwise is simply selfish.

It's not pathetic to care about someone, just because they don't feel the same way about me. 

And I do. I care for real. It'll never stop and I'm glad, because...

friendship will always be enough.

Quote on egg from Malice in Wonderland