Ramble

7-11-15

You seriously did that? You might as well be a stray dog begging for scraps. And now you're sitting here waiting, hopefully for them, when they likely won't be thrown anyway.

You are better than this. You deserve more. I'm ashamed of you. I'm ashamed of me...

7-1-15

If you only knew 

What a kind word from you

Could do.

I want to be selfish today...

6-30-15

I have to shut you out. I have to stop thinking about you. My jealosy is getting the better of me. And I don't want any ugly feelings between us...

6-24-15

When you can't talk to the one person that somehow makes it hurt less...

6-24-15

Alright that's enough. No more feeling sorry for yourself. 

Let it go. Be a real friend and remove all that ugly pressure you create.

Be happy for him and be happy for you. 

Whether the story ends here or not, it's still a great story. Now put the book down and open another. 

6-20-15

I didn't think it would be this hard. I didn't think it would hurt this much.

Maybe because it just hit me how easy this is for you. Funny, that's what I wanted, to make it easy on you. But the fact that you didn't even argue, you didn't even try to make me stay is starting to burn so bad. Selfish longing is really getting the best of me.

But it's always been easy for you to dismiss me hasn't  it? 

Im beginning to be angry with you for playing with my heart.

You'll defend it and say you didn't mean to but that's you trying to convince yourself of your nonguilt.

You are guilty. Not because you ever were less than a gentlemanly and kind friend, but because you gave me moments I can barely explain.

When you opened up to me. When you let me in. 

But worst of all was when you draped both of your arms over his shoulders while talking to me. It was so natural and casual and worst of all possesive. Like he belonged to you. Like we belonged to you.

Such treachery, that moment has performed on my heart. How could you not know...how could you give me something you know I so longed for and then act so innocent?

Sleeping together would have done less damage to my heart than that moment did. 

Don't lie to yourself and act like it's just what you do for a living. It was different...it was natural and it meant something. It changed me forever. 

I'll never find that again. It grew so organically, there's no way to plant a seed like that.  Not sure my heart could take it anyway...

6-11-15

I knew it would happen eventually, but it's like when someone has a terminal illness. 

You prepare, you even tell the person to go and not stay for you. But it still tears you up when they pass on.

I wish so badly I could turn it off; I don't want to feel this way! It really was kind to let me have my fantasy...I needed it so badly. I don't need it anymore...I just want it. 

And...I don't even want it as badly as I want my friend back. Not anymore...but...we've never really been friends, have we? 

No not friends. More than friends. Never lovers...just us. Kindred spirits. Magnet and metal...

I'm really going to miss you...

5-6-15

Keep your bread crumbs, they're not enough anymore. I'm just fine without them.

4-30-15

Fine...that's just fine. But it's not...It hurts. I wish it didn't. In fact it's embarrassing that it does. I wish I understood. 

It's not wrong to want a small amount of attention. 

It's been too long since he's said something so heartbreakingly sweet, that makes up for all the cold shoulders. Too long since I was reassured he deserved my attention. Too long since I had a reason to make excuses. 

Its not fine. It hurts...

But reservations and fear always reign victorious over my feelings, don't they?

Maybe it's time to stop being so understanding...

4-27-15

I get these feelings sometimes that someone's thinking about me. Unexplainable butterflies, blushes and anxiety are all symptoms of these feelings.

I wish I didn't get them, even if I occasionally find out I'm right. It just makes me feel like it must be wishful thinking...and wishing about this person is getting really tiring...

4-21-15

Awkward. Sometimes I'm certain I must be the most awkward female on the planet. I pester and annoy anyone I'm really interested in. I tease and flirt effortlessly with anyone I have lukewarm feelings about. 

Not to mention I like beer, not wine. I like sports not purses. (I do love shoes though) 

I don't care if men think I'm smart even though I can tell it bothers some of them. 

I hold doors open for men!! I can't help my self. I'm not making a statement. I'm just being me.

I have zero filter and just let things fall out of my mouth.

Unless I really really want to say something. I can hold onto something important for years! Create its own little home in the back of my mind and lock it up tight, just out of fear of rejection.

I look around and I see people interact and they all seem to hide their awkward so much better than I.

But I'm learning not to care. I'm me. There's no other me. If you want something else, go look somewhere else. 

4-19-15

Being suddenly  single, (well not really so sudden for me anymore) is honestly a pain in the ass.

Ok there's the so called excitement of meeting someone new and feeling that spark. But I still would trade that for feeling secure that someone loves me unconditionally. 

And however anyone wants to view my life, I had that, for many many years. And losing that peace was what broke me temporarily. 

I've come to terms with it. He became someone else and I no longer feel like I was lacking in anything when he took that peace from me. He could no longer live himself, so he certainly couldn't love someone that loved him either. I know that was his conflict, but I digress.

Dating sucks. Maybe it's just the single mom thing and having to screen everyone in my mind and imagine if I could ever even introduce them to my son. And the answer is always no. 

In the past 2 yrs I have met one man I trust around my son...and that's a whole complicated story in itself, I'm not discussing here 😉

So here I am, getting my life together, having very little time and I'm supposed to use it to meet men? It feels like too much effort and too much time away from my son to be worth it.

And no I don't need a man so I guess there's that silver lining but...maybe I still feel that void. Maybe I still get lonely. Maybe I want a companion. 

But hey I'm willing to wait. Whether he be someone I've met already or someone in my future, I can wait...

Wouldn't hurt if he walked a bit faster my way. 😊

---

4-17-15

I don't know how I survived. I hate the scars his words left on me and the ones his absence has left on my son, but I'm here. We're here. We're crossing that bridge and nearing the other side...and I'm proud of us. 

We're strong and loved and still know how to love. 

Who would have thought that broken down weeping lump would be able to get up and keep going. 

And on I'll walk, with my beautiful son by my side.

---

4-15-15

Feeling fed up with being told not to be myself.

If I want to text someone, why is it so terrible? Why is it a turnoff to make the first move, or over share? 

Maybe I spent a lot of time trying to stifle my emotions and now I don't want to. 

I want someone to want me. Someone that I couldn't bug to death if I tried. I want someone to want me for me. 

Ok I'm lying. I want him to want me. I know there are plenty of men who fit that description, but I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. 

Christmas Lights

Twinkling lights flicker with my heart. 

Happiness, blink, 

longing, blink. 

Twinkle, twinkle, flicker...

It's just a day, but it feels like more and so much less.

I miss his little voice asking so many questions. His excitement. His awe and unconditional love. I miss his sweet little cheek against mine. I miss his breaths, the ones I've counted for so many years, to be sure they weren't too many nor too few; I can't hear them from so far away.

Family, friends, love, shiny packages all still here to fill the days, but my heart has felt absent without him here.

He'll be home soon. And we'll be together again. But until then -

Twinkle twinkle flicker flicker goes my heart.

JYM

Bridge

Standing on a bridge, feeling it shake beneath me. Wanting to run to safety, but afraid the land I reach was already crumbling long ago. 

Afraid of the shaking.

Afraid of the crumbling. 

Can't move forward.

Can't stand still.

"Move feet, move!!!"

My knees buckle at the thought of taking one step.

Frozen. Afraid. Suspended so high, feeling gravity pulling me. The world is trying to swallow me, so why won't my legs move?

I take a step, and the bridge swings. Another step. Why does the bridge seem to grow longer?

One foot after another, I trudge forward. Yet, I freeze every few steps. 

The bridge stretches out before me, seemingly on until infinity.

Feeling like this, it's really hard not to wonder how I will ever reach solid ground. 

But on I walk...one step at a time.

JYM

Case Closed

No more court rooms,

No more files!

No more forms,

And no more trials!

HOPEFULLY!!! 

Duct tape

Just me trying to be clever. Yeah I know it's not clever to accidentally make duct tape one word, but I'm embracing my imperfections. Why must we always be perfect? Or maybe I was too lazy to make a new one...the world will never know. :)

Asleep on My Shoulder

This is a moment you can't get get back, if you miss it. When your son falls asleep next to you, with his head on your shoulder, it's a moment you don't rush to end even though you need to put him to bed if you are ever going to get a good nights sleep. It's a little thing but really it's the biggest. It's a thing you can't do by phone. And it's something you can't fit into a short visit, because it's just one of many small things. Little things that happen everyday that no photo or story will ever bring back to you, these are the rewards of being a parent. And such little things are more precious than any other thing in this world.

So I guess that's why I don't understand. I just really can't comprehend someone...choosing to miss them...

Demotivational

Sometimes we have to laugh at ourselves...

Leave it Behind

Write 'til it hurts

Cry, shake, ache, want be...

Be who you are.

Love yourself through your 

self loathing.

Don't die inside, 

by letting the zombies of the world, eat at your pride.

You are valuable.

No dollar can define you,

no lover can mangle you, 

and the lack of either, 

shall not drown you.

Sleep like a sloth,

think in a mess...

Then

Get up, "head up...get to the other side," (A Friend).

Keep safe,

and leave self hate,

behind!

Hope in Darkness

Deep inside, where no light reflects, but can only be produced from within,

Deep inside, beyond the pain, beyond what angers, beyond the betrayal, deep within its chambers, 

Deep inside, something shimmers, something quivers, something longing to get out. 

Deep inside, feel its heat. Let it spread, let it fill the cracks, mend the breaks and sooth the aches. 

Deep inside, is such a small light, but its powers are immense. 

Deep inside It glimmers and pain begins to lessen.

Deep inside it glows, making pride grow.

Deep inside it shines and loss is put to rest.

Deep inside, beneath the pieces, beneath the struggle, a faint light is urging the thrum to continue, 

Deep inside it is insisting the mangled form to beat, even when all you can see is darkness.

Deep inside, is why you will make it, 

Deep inside, this I know for sure, because...

Deep inside a broken heart lies a bit of hope. 

JYM