Watch Over

Watch over, from afar

You could be closer 

But it's just who you are

Hold onto the distance if you must

Even if I wish you could leave your heart to me, with trust

 

Keep watching, even if you can’t say

Though, I hope you will someday

I’m okay. 

So long as you stay

Please don't quit your watch

Even if you have found a more appropriate match 

I'd feel your eyes disappear 

creating a void I could not bear

We can pretend forever 

As long as this connection does not sever 

So watch over and know that I know

And that I promise to never let feelings show

Unless someday you ask

Until then I will wear the mask

Pretending to be blind

but knowing your eyes are never far behind.

If You Knew

If you knew

What I could do

What I would do

                   To you

My hands and my lips would tease you, please you, know you by memory...and worship every last inch of you, until you could take no more.

If you knew 

My body craves

My body needs

                       You too

There would be no going back once it had a taste. The hunger would be insatiable. It would have to have you constantly, wanting you anywhere and everywhere, pulling you into closets, locking doors, pushing you against walls, pulling you onto desks...flames would consume us every time.

But

You don't know...

                         Do you?

Jar

Strange jealousy over an assumption. Curiosity killed the cat and cracked the fragile confidence I had. 

Now I unhappily sit in a jar, that I was once so content to be placed in. Why did you put me in here? I guess I'm only a souvenir-protected and cherished, but never played with. I mustn't forget I'm  off limits to others as well.

Why don't I try to escape? Why don't I flee from these suffocatingly pathetic dreams...

Someday I'll break out. Someday you'll come to look for me and all you will find on your shelf, is shattered glass.

Little Crush

Don't look at me with those sweet brown eyes, filled with sadness and expect me not to want you just a little. A taste so small is all I'd ever dare take. I can imagine just how delicious that small bite would be, but I'd never keep you. You're not yet done baking. 

So don't speak to me with such wisdom, about things so close to my heart and expect me not to blush.

With how sweet and caring you are, how can I avoid this little crush? 

I don't think you really mind. So thank you for this pleasant yearning, it is so sweet and manageable. I'm so grateful for this painlessly warm connection that I hope will not change or break...

but know those brown eyes make me want to cross lines; I hope you will avert them, never letting me make such a tempting mistake.

JYM

Sketching Life

I was literally sketching a face from memory...possibly of my crush. Yes I literally have the heart of a fifteen year old! Or maybe it's just my coping mechanism, to dream about someone I can't have. But I digress! I was looking at the rough scratches I had laid down and the words below just floated through my head.

When you're over a certain age, it's hard not to feel like major life changes start you back at the beginning. But really, all the choices we make, are sketches. We may have to erase some people, add others, find the color that makes our lives beautiful, but the outline will always be a part of us. Someday, we will see the whole picture...

Blind

How will I ever see past him?

After seeing his flaws, why does his image only grow, blocking out the view of all other men?

It's sad really, because it's very likely he doesn't see me that way, yet my heart is not fettered. My heart dreams away, fading my vision, dimming all other men to a dull grey. He is in technicolor, so bright and vivid and blinding.

My mind should know better. I'm not a silly teenager anymore. My faith and trust have been battered and broken, so how can I accept my heart's dreams? Why does my mind not stomp out those naive hopes, and make my heart listen to reason? Why does it not remind me he ignores me, doesn't have time for me and doesn't see me that way? 

Why can't my mind clear my vision, to let anyone else in?

With all of my intelligence, my heart still steers the ship. And even if it doesn't make any sense, even if all signs point to forever friend zoned, there's still that part of my heart that believes in John Hughes' happy endings. An ending where I was the one all along...

Such a pitifully stupid heart I have...to believe such nonsense. But it does, beyond all reason, and so I may forever remain blinded by his technicolor, past which all that's left is grey.

You're So Vain

You're so vain you probably think these [blogs] are about you, don't you, don't you? (Carly Simon)

Maybe you're right...maybe some of them are about you. But if you're reading this, maybe you should stop stalking and start talking!! 

;)

For all those with unrequited crushes out there!! 

JYM

Les Miserables - On My Own

All time favorite! I sound better in this vid but well I did it on a whim so I'm not cuted up. Hahah

But this is what single mom's do. The lyrics I mean. Because even if we find someone, they have to fit so many prerequisites, we have to be willing to spend time away from our children AND they have to want to be a part of the madness!!!

So this is the all the beautiful single moms who only can dream for now...

Burn

Heat, searing beneath the skin, aching and burning alone with no fire.

You be flint and I'll be rock. Let's make a spark, build a fire and burn together...forever

JYM

Unknown

Fear of crossing lines, so the boundaries are stretched to capacity. Staying in place is safe and full of smiles. Across that line is the unknown. There's no going back once that line is breached. Maybe you could lose everything or maybe you could get everything you've ever wanted or needed...

But it's not your choice to make. So, you'll just stay safe and smile.

Fear

Fear of losing those smiles, those moments I can cause a blush

Fear of my lack of self control

Fear of saying the wrong thing

Fear I'll never be able to say everything I long to say

Fear that this hope inside me will crush me one day. 

But none of these fears are as great as the fear of losing this feeling...and the dream. 

Losing that would be a tragedy.

JYM

Falling For the Ice

Walking through the doors and feeling that burst of chill that passes through me like a loved one's ghost. It envelopes me, and somehow warms me in a way that science cannot explain.

The comfort moves beyond the loving chill hugging me. A symphony of sound echoes off the walls, settling in my soul.
Blades cutting ice, crashing of pucks, shots swishing, slipping and crushing, the jolt and tyranny of angry pucks colliding with the boards and glass, coaches encouraging little hearts to follow their dreams is a music I can't find anywhere else. So many don't understand the rink is a comfort all on it's own.

And my son taking the ice, forgetting all worry...well that...that is simply Nirvana.

JYM

I Want More

I Want More

I'll never have enough of you.

You can't-

Tell enough stories.

Laugh enough.

Smile enough.

I want every story, every laugh, every smile.

I'm taking everyone you give me, maybe even some that are not meant for me.

They're mine now,

and I'm not even sorry that,

I want more.