Letting Go and Moving Forward

She wanted my life and she took it! He was so willing to go!!

Let it go.

He betrayed me!

Let it go.

He lied!!!

Let it go.

I follow all the rules,while he breaks every single one and still gets everything he wants!!

Let it go.

He feels and acts entitled to information whenever he pleases while he sits back responsibility free playing video games all day!

Let it go.

My son hurts and feels rejected! I try and try to give my son stability! All he does is decimate his self esteem, making him feel unwanted! Making him feel he only has a playmate and not a mentor!

Let it go.

He sees my son's agonizing disappointment as normal!

Let it go.

I do everything for my son!

Let it go.

I wake my grouchy son in the morning and struggle to get him off to school...

Move forward.

I put my thoughts down. I schedule. I chauffeur. I apply. I plan. I launder. I fold. I grocery shop. I bank. I dream...

Move forward.

I pick my son up from school. He climbs in the car, full of energy, smelling of dirt and little boy. Sometimes he's happy, sometimes he's down but he always shares his day with me. I hear and note his friends' names. I give advice. I smile at his silliness. I laugh at his jokes. I help him with his homework. I argue with him. I struggle and get tired out. 

Move forward.

I cart him to his appointments, practices and games. I help him with his gear as he laughs and starts to light up at the thought of taking the ice. I struggle to contain him while he gets into his gear. I feel like I'm dressing a monkey, ha ha! I smile and sigh when his blades hit the ice.

Move forward.

My heart is light watching him skate. My son is truly happy for an hour. 

Move forward.

I struggle to get his gear off him. He drags his feet. He takes forever...and I know why. He feels safe and happy at the rink. He forgets his family is broken. He forgets his dad moved away. He feels at peace. It's hard for me to leave too.

Move forward.

I drive my son home. Sometimes he gets a call. I try not to listen. My peace is broken. My son's mood darkens. My mood drops with my sons. Sometimes my son hangs up, feeling angry. 

Move forward.

I get him home and try to comfort him. I try to defuse his imminent temper tantrum aimed at me, because I'm here. I'm someone tangible to be angry with.

Move forward.

I make dinner never knowing if I will get the happy, silly, angry or sad  version of my son. I get all three. I'm exhausted, but proud I got a home cooked meal in him today. I do the dishes, hoping I'll get him in bed at a reasonable hour. 

Move forward.

I corral him for special playtime. We play Legos and toy cars. I somehow manage to coerce him to bathe. I make sure he brushes his teeth and takes his medicine. I argue with him until he manages to win. I allow him to watch one more YouTube episode of Stampylongnose.

Move forward.

My son's eyes slip closed and he drifts off to sleep. I look at his baby face and feel guilty I can't help him heal faster. But I know just how blessed I am to have him near, hearing him breathe and close enough to pet his hair.

Move forward.

I kiss his forehead and carry him to bed. He's getting so heavy but I cherish the fact that I can still hold him in my arms like a toddler, knowing these moments are numbered. He'll be 9 then 10 then I'll blink and he'll be graduating high school. I still wonder how anyone could so easily give up these numbered moments. Moments my son is still a little boy...but I'm learning not to care...I'm the lucky one. 

Because...

He hurt me with neglect, cruel words and violent outbursts. He broke things! He yelled and cried and threatened! He threw away everything good he had. He left the gifts that god had blessed him with, like we were old furniture. And I'm finally glad. She wanted my life. She thinks she took it! 

But, he left the best parts of him behind. 

I may backslide. It's the nature of this ugly destruction of family called divorce.

But for now...

I'm letting go and moving forward.

JYM